


Legal Action

by AnAwfulPerson



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), dan and phil
Genre: :>, Angst, Crying, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, M/M, Not in the way you might think tbh, The name is a shitpost im sORRY, phil gets drunk, this is my first fic!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-04
Updated: 2017-04-04
Packaged: 2018-10-14 18:35:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10542192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnAwfulPerson/pseuds/AnAwfulPerson
Summary: I swear the title is just a shitpost.---Dan and Phil discuss legal ramifications to the heat of passion. Then Phil attracts weirdos. All in a days work tbh.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry. Also, hey, this is my first fic. Flame me, bro. I would say I don't own Dan and Phil, but let's be real. They own us all.

Phil isn’t really sure what starts it. 

Dan’s huddled up on the couch in his ‘almost but not quite’ existential crisis poses, and Phil has slotted in next to him, nursing some coffee and replying to twitter comments.

It must be something about the fact that Dan is squished against his side, and that this moment reminds him so much of when Dan was in law school. Maybe it’s just that it’s almost three am. Either way, he turns to study Dan and feels some sort of deep pang in his chest. Something in Dan’s expression triggered something in him, and he was left teasing his own lip between his teeth. He blushes, and he’s staring at his phone blankly for a while.

He doesn’t even realize it’s turned off until Dan asks him if he’s alright.  
The fact that he’s worried pre-total-meltdown Dan means that he must have been staring at the blank phone for a while. Heaven knows what expression he was wearing the whole time, either.

“Mmmm,” he replies to the question, and then turns to look Dan in the eyes, “Dan, do you remember anything from back in law school?”

Dan looks confused for a second, “Erm. Pain, long boring lectures, craving death…why?” 

Phil smirks at him, half-rolling his eyes. He shifts in his seat, taking a sip of lukewarm coffee and grimacing, “Well. If someone was to kiss someone without asking, and the other person didn’t want it-,” Dan holds up a finger, and Phil stops. 

“You better not be dragging me back into memories of hell just because of Yuri on Ice fanfiction, Phil. I will actually murder you.” Dan makes a ‘srs bsns’ face at him, and Phil tilts his head back and laughs, shaking his head.

“Dan, please. Nothing between those two could ever be non-consensual. No, no, listen. If someone-,” he giggles again, running a hand over his face, “If someone that isn’t a gay ice skater were to kiss someone without permission in, say, a moment of-of passion,” he shakes his head, “hypothetically, okay?” Dan nods, still looking confused. “Would that be sexual assault? Even if it were erm...somewhat expected and all?”

Dan seems to actually think about it a second, surprising Phil. He was expecting a super quick, witty response. Dan shrugs, “Probably. I mean there’s like, the heat of passion in murder cases...I don’t know about the literal heat of passion, though.” He smirks, “I never paid much attention.” He seems to be feeling a bit better, and Phil is glad, at least, that his odd question lifted Dan’s mood.

They don’t visit the subject again for a very long time.

\---

Why did weird things always happen to him?

It was supposed to be a high school reunion of sorts. His friend, Brad-From-Geography, who Phil hardly remembered, had asked him to come hang out with him and a few of their other schoolmates. 

Phil didn’t even think to ask if he was being asked to a gay bar. Because who in the world forgets to mention that first. 

Not that it’s that bad. The guys are pretty chill, and Phil gets a lot of drinks bought for him. He’s not much of a drinker, but he ends up sipping a lot of alcohol to avoid conversation. Dan is rude and plays on his phone, ignoring everyone. People began to think him and Dan were a thing. Anything to get people off his hide was a godsend, so he scoots closer to Dan until their legs are touching. He doesn’t bother explaining, Dan doesn’t seem to care.

They, somehow, avoid getting recognized and are able to leave within a few hours. He gets a hug from Brad-From-Geography, and a hug from Brad-From-Geography’s penis. He grimaces and grabs Dan’s wrist, waving and pulling Dan to find a cab.

Dan smirks at him in the cab, “Honestly, the video that comes out of this better be bloody worth it, Phillip. Four hours of socializing. You absolute party animal.” 

Phil grunts, “I think it’s a Danisnotonfire video, really. How do I say ‘some dude put his hard-on on my thigh’ in a pg way,” he rubs his eyes, groaning, “I never thought I’d say this, but I drank too much.”

 

Dan can only snort in response. 

\---

When they get home, it’s still too early to go to sleep.

Thus they end up on the couch. Somehow, the effect of the alcohol kicked in full-force the second Phil had sat down, and he was seeing triple. Dan made him coffee and sat close to him. 

There he was, nursing coffee with Dan against his side, and a memory sparked. He stared into his coffee for a few seconds, feeling the fringes of the liquid courage still hanging on.

He turns to look at Dan straight in the eyes, “Hey. We never did find out if it’s assault if someone kisses someone in the heat of the moment, did we?”

Dan snorts, “No, Phil, we never decoded your fanfiction.”

Phil looks at Dan fondly for a minute, before laughing lowly.

“Let’s hope the answer is no,” he mumbles, setting his coffee down. He turns to a confused looking Dan, and slowly moved forwards until their lips were touching. He stays there for a few seconds, before being discouraged by Dan’s lack of response and pulling back.

Dan looks equal parts shocked and furious.

Phil doesn’t apologize. He’s been waiting too long for that to apologize. He just settles back into the couch and picks his coffee back up.

They’re silent for a little bit before Dan squawks, “What the hell? What the actual fuck?!” 

Phil flinches, looking over at Dan, who had gone red. Dan gets up, running to his bedroom. Phil feels his heart drop, and then jump as Dan ran back into the room, holding a calendar from 2009, absolutely steaming.

“I have been terrified of my feelings for eight goddamn fucking years, and you just,” he throws the calendar on the ground, running his hands over his face. He then hesitates before snatching it back up and disappearing back into his room, slamming the door. 

Phil blinks, too tipsy and sluggish to decode what just happens. He takes it as a rejection, wondering if Dan was scared of being gay or something.

He sits on the couch in silence the rest of the night, eventually passing out there.

\---

Phil bursts into tears when he wakes up, for several different reasons.

He had a head-splitting headache, and every dream he had that night was about losing Dan. But it wasn’t a dream, was it?

He’s still holding the coffee, clutching it between two hands as he sobs loudly on the couch. His head felt like it was falling apart more and more as the seconds passed. He sets the coffee down and envelopes himself in Dan’s blanket. 

Dan chooses that exact moment to unlock the front door and walk in. Phil jumps a little bit as it opens, and then burrows deeper into his snotty, blankety mess. He tries to hold his breath, or cover his mouth, desperate to halt the sobbing. It doesn’t work, and he hears Dan close the front door and head to the kitchen.  
He loses track of time, too miserable and sad.

He is broken out of his pity cocoon by Dan pulling the blanket up. Dan looks utterly exhausted too, and he pulls Phil into a sitting position, handing him pills and water. “Drink it,” he says softly, “Take the pills, Phil. For your headache.” Phil nods, swallowing them and then looking up at Dan, sniffling. 

Dan looks...he can’t describe it. “Dan, I-,” he stops when Dan begins saying ‘nope’ over and over again. He doesn’t have a choice to continue, really. 

“We are going to have a long talk later, but we are not talking when your head is the equivalent of a mashed potato.” Phil doesn’t really understand most of the sentence, but he nods and lays back down anyway, an occasional sob wrangling him. 

It’s four pm when Phil is finally stable enough to sit up and look for Dan. He finds the other man on a further corner of the couch and wipes his eyes, patting his hand on the table until he finds his glasses, and plopping them on his face. Dan looks worse than he does. Somehow, that’s less comforting than it is painful. 

“Phil,” Dan says, not looking him in the eye, “About last n-”

“I’m sorry,” Phil interrupts, “But I meant it. I...I mean there was definitely alcohol going on, but it just…,” he shook his head, “It helped me uh...do that, but it didn’t cause it.”

Dan stares at him deadpan for a little while, while Phil turns bright red and stews in self-hatred. His mind must still be sluggish, because it seems like Dan teleports to him. Without a second between the two moments Dan’s mouth is against his. He makes a sound that encompasses these things, then tilts his head and closes his eyes. 

When they can’t breathe anymore, Dan flops down next to him and holds him close.

“I’m suing you for taking too damn long,” Dan mumbles.

“I’m suing you for emotional damage,” Phil grumbles back.

They lay there together the rest of the day.

They stay together the rest of their lives.

Oh, and Brad doesn’t call again. Ever.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this! Tell me if you did and maybe I'll cry. Or write another fic. Or love you. Tbh all of the above. Tata!


End file.
